I'm still awake and i cant get myself to settle.
its like a million and one things are running through my mind.
maybe i have anxiety issues, or maybe this is just an unused percentage of my brain talking as i sleep type.
have you ever kid yourself about somethings, or changed in your memories how nasty events where in order to make them nicer. I think i've lied to myself so much I cant recall true events. I cant remember if I have ever exaggerated times to make myself feel better or less like a fool.
its nice having only good memories, however am i just living in a bubble?
only now, its a hard trap to get out of. i think things are one way, and then I come across evidence that proves things are different.
Ive always thought that you have power in yourself to control how things go. if you truly want something deep down inside of you, but is it not more logical that we just hide away from the nasty things in life and shadow from the ugly? were living in a dream world.
what is even worse to us ignoring the fat ugly elephant of the room is that our world is still such a bitter place. if were still seeing this stuff, what is it we're witholding?
in blunt words, its not even I'm letting the world affairs itch at me, im so selfish and i pride myself on putting other people first in life, I need to open my eyes.
i'm not a brilliant 4am writer, i must admit, and im easily distracted with deep thoughts on unassociated objects.
I'm looking at a small hand crafted box, the the paintings, the wood grain and the varnish glaze.
this box had a journey, it was once a seed, which grew into a tree, chopped down and mutilated. care was taken building and decorating, and completing.
shipipping and previous owners, loved and treasured, only for it to sit here on my shelf unnappreciated. Barley noticed, like the music of a supermarket, if it was turned off you'd notice something had stopped, but never coupld you recall what was playing .
Im not going to even proof read this. analyse this. or spell check it.
Im not even going to adjust this for the effect of the reader.
it will be interesting that way to read it after sleeping and maybe i can put my thumb on the mood i was in, or try to understand myself what the point was.
the next non self inflicted poverty related charity to approach me in the street can have my direct debit details.
my eyes are opening now - however this could be a selfish motivated move to make me think im a better person than the one that i am. .. really over thinking now, and the eyes are finally getting heavy.